Usui Shusei (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
andwatchmeburn) wrote2012-05-24 01:05 pm
andwatchmeburn) wrote2012-05-24 01:05 pm
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SHUSEI'S BRAIN IS A BOX OF... fuck I don't even know. BIZARRE. WEIRD.
I haven't done this with any character I've apped before, not so soon after actually apping. AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN INTROED PROPERLY YET. They already had trauma inducing incidents in the pre-intro thread, I don't even...
I’m... going to try and put into words how Shusei’s mind works. THIS IS JUMBLY AND WEIRD AND WRITTEN IN LESS THAN HALF AN HOUR AND not coherent at all. I salute you if you manage to make sense of it. I’m having trouble myself, sometimes. I might come back and pick at it, because there's probably a lot of things I've forgotten to mention.
Shusei is, to whoever meets him, an image of perfectly schooled faces and whatever smiles or expressions needed for the situation at hand. He doesn’t get riled easily, and he doesn’t raise his voice or lace it with irritation or similar. To just about anyone who doesn’t know him well, he’s a picture perfect polite teenager, with a thoughtful word for any mood or happening. He knows what to say and when to say it, not wasting energy on unnecessary words.
To meld into his surroundings and fit in as the calm and reasonable voice is his way of focusing on anything but his own mind. Because the moment Shusei is left alone to think about his own feelings, he’s lost. It’s difficult for him to think of one single thing, to concentrate and pick apart just that particular feeling, because there are too many of them colliding and reverberating against the walls of his mind. Especially the thoughts centered around how he feels about Hotsuma. He doesn’t know how to sort them out, how to categorize or place them properly in his mind. They’re all over the place, and refuses to be pushed away. He knows Hotsuma is his everything, he knows Hotsuma will always be what gives him life, what makes the darkness go away with just a glance or a word.
So instead of trying to control all those feelings, he just. IS. He focuses all of his senses on anything else than his mind, on Hotsuma, on words he says, what he does, if he grabs his wrist and pulls him along, his voice, how he reacts to everything around him. All of this is what gives Shusei the energy to still stand up, and gives him something to focus and lean on. This gives him the help to put on a mask to hide all his feelings. At the worst times, his mind is SCREAMING, but he very rarely shows it, because he's afraid something will change for the worse if he does it wrong. Hotsuma is probably the only person who can really rile him up to shout, though it doesn't happen very often. Hotsuma is able to break his shield a little, to put a crack in it, in a way no one else can. If necessary, Shusei can put Hotsuma in place and tell him off. Shusei can drop everything in a heartbeat for the sake of Hotsuma, whether it is to help him or be angry at him for doing something reckless. No one is more important to him than Hotsuma is, and he goes back and forth on how he shows it.
It’s just easier to lineface at things most of the time, so that’s what he’s settled with. He doesn’t want to deal with all of his emotions, so he buries them away, keeps them out of sight. Hotsuma has this tendency to both slow and speed up the world around him and Shusei can barely keep his equilibrium.
This might be a bit headcanon but Shusei has trouble sleeping because of his feelings at times. He let’s them circle around too much and he can’t settle enough to fall asleep for longer periods of time. (This is why he looks tired a lot, and combined with his not!eating it probably shows a lot when he’s extra troubled. I MEAN, SHOWS, AS IN to people who knows him. Or a tiny tiny tiny tiny frown. Shusei is not only good at hiding his feelings, but he’s pretty good at hiding if he’s tired or not too. Taking a cold shower in the morning if he’s really exhausted helps him get by for a while and to the regular person, he’d look normal.)
School is another thing he puts his focus on, diligently working, pushing his grades. Before, it was an effort to please his parents, people who didn’t want him, but he’s managed to turn that into an outlet for his focus, whenever Hotsuma isn’t around.
...I want to say it’s good he hasn’t made FOOD his outlet, because he would probably be pretty fat if he did that... but anyway lmao instead he’s starving himself, because food to him is still a bit of a chore, he doesn’t enjoy the process of eating, and has trouble thinking of it as something he wants to do. As a result of this, he doesn’t really experience being hungry, because he’s too used to pushing it aside. He still does, unconcsiously. And it’s also a direct reaction, to not eat, to his own stupid thoughts of not being enough for Hotsuma’s needs. Eating is overrated when you have too many other things to think about. Like Hotsuma. And Hotsuma. And how his brain keeps saying he’s not needed. And EVERYTHING and how he can’t give Hotsuma what Hotsuma really needs. It’s like... let’s make a metaphor. He can jump in after Hotsuma if he falls into a river, and can keep him afloat, but he can’t pull him ashore. He will never be able to do that, only one person can, and it’s Yuki. Shusei knows this, but at the same time, he compares it too much with everything else he and Hotsuma has, and makes it bigger than it is. Of course, it’s a huge thing, to be able to save Hotsuma from himself, but Shusei hasn’t it in his ability to do that. He doesn’t know how to, and knows he'll not be enough, in that sense.
Then again, what Hotsuma and Shusei has is so much bigger than just the part where Yuki is the one who can help Hotsuma from that part of his guilt. Shusei just doesn’t look at it that way. He figures that as long as Hotsuma finds something or someone to ground him enough not to look at himself as a monster, Shusei doesn’t need to be there for him anymore, because Hotsuma won’t NEED him, and that is what Shusei needs. He needs Hotsuma to need him. It... is just a lot more complicated than what it sounds like sob.
THEY TALKED ABOUT THIS. They settled this, to a degree, and he's trying, trying to believe himself, trying to believe Hotsuma, because the doubt is still there, even if he knows Hotsuma wouldn't lie to him. It's more about his own feelings about that Hotsuma puts himself in danger for Shusei's sake, when he berates Shusei for doing just that himself. They still need to sort a few more things out, and hope that nothing new comes between them and messes things up more than what's necessary.
If Hotsuma disappeared from his reality, Shusei wouldn’t care to live anymore. Hotsuma is a light, but also something that puts Shusei’s mind roiling. It’s a little like a double edged sword, because Shusei will maybe never be able to express in words what he’s really feeling to Hotsuma. Shusei isn’t very good at expressing his feelings to people, and always measures what he says, carefully avoiding talking feelings when not absolutely necessary, and even then it's difficult. And Hotsuma, who is the complete opposite of that --wears his heart on his sleeve and speaks whatever comes to his mind-- doesn’t always quite catch on to what Shusei needs, what he’s trying to say without actually using his voice. Communication is a vital key that they both need to find, because they’re... well. Dumb. And tragic. “And what if I managed to tell Hotsuma my true feelings... wait no, that’ll just add to the burden”.
Evidently, Shusei thinks too much, FEELS too much, and doesn’t know how to control it in any other way than to hide it, and hide himself from it, pushing it away whenever he can, to give himself some sort of illusion of control. He's gotten better at it, even if he mostly shows his feelings and emotions to Hotsuma, because that's where they're mostly focused. But he's opened up to the other people in the Giou Family, Yuki, the Zweilts, because he's gotten more comfortable around them.
This isn’t even a third of what I really want to say, THERE IS SO MUCH MORE, but this is difficult to explain. It’s. So. Bizarre.
And now, he blames himself for going back to look at the barrier, because if they hadn’t, Hotsuma wouldn’t have attacked it, wouldn’t have stepped in front of Shusei to shield him from the fire, WOULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN BACK TO FEELING GUILTY ABOUT ALMOST BURNING SHUSEI AGAIN, and also making Shusei feel guilty and angry because Hotsuma put his life on the line without thinking and Shusei doesn’t want him to hurt himself and and... feelings. Stupid feelings.
I’m... going to try and put into words how Shusei’s mind works. THIS IS JUMBLY AND WEIRD AND WRITTEN IN LESS THAN HALF AN HOUR AND not coherent at all. I salute you if you manage to make sense of it. I’m having trouble myself, sometimes. I might come back and pick at it, because there's probably a lot of things I've forgotten to mention.
Shusei is, to whoever meets him, an image of perfectly schooled faces and whatever smiles or expressions needed for the situation at hand. He doesn’t get riled easily, and he doesn’t raise his voice or lace it with irritation or similar. To just about anyone who doesn’t know him well, he’s a picture perfect polite teenager, with a thoughtful word for any mood or happening. He knows what to say and when to say it, not wasting energy on unnecessary words.
To meld into his surroundings and fit in as the calm and reasonable voice is his way of focusing on anything but his own mind. Because the moment Shusei is left alone to think about his own feelings, he’s lost. It’s difficult for him to think of one single thing, to concentrate and pick apart just that particular feeling, because there are too many of them colliding and reverberating against the walls of his mind. Especially the thoughts centered around how he feels about Hotsuma. He doesn’t know how to sort them out, how to categorize or place them properly in his mind. They’re all over the place, and refuses to be pushed away. He knows Hotsuma is his everything, he knows Hotsuma will always be what gives him life, what makes the darkness go away with just a glance or a word.
So instead of trying to control all those feelings, he just. IS. He focuses all of his senses on anything else than his mind, on Hotsuma, on words he says, what he does, if he grabs his wrist and pulls him along, his voice, how he reacts to everything around him. All of this is what gives Shusei the energy to still stand up, and gives him something to focus and lean on. This gives him the help to put on a mask to hide all his feelings. At the worst times, his mind is SCREAMING, but he very rarely shows it, because he's afraid something will change for the worse if he does it wrong. Hotsuma is probably the only person who can really rile him up to shout, though it doesn't happen very often. Hotsuma is able to break his shield a little, to put a crack in it, in a way no one else can. If necessary, Shusei can put Hotsuma in place and tell him off. Shusei can drop everything in a heartbeat for the sake of Hotsuma, whether it is to help him or be angry at him for doing something reckless. No one is more important to him than Hotsuma is, and he goes back and forth on how he shows it.
It’s just easier to lineface at things most of the time, so that’s what he’s settled with. He doesn’t want to deal with all of his emotions, so he buries them away, keeps them out of sight. Hotsuma has this tendency to both slow and speed up the world around him and Shusei can barely keep his equilibrium.
This might be a bit headcanon but Shusei has trouble sleeping because of his feelings at times. He let’s them circle around too much and he can’t settle enough to fall asleep for longer periods of time. (This is why he looks tired a lot, and combined with his not!eating it probably shows a lot when he’s extra troubled. I MEAN, SHOWS, AS IN to people who knows him. Or a tiny tiny tiny tiny frown. Shusei is not only good at hiding his feelings, but he’s pretty good at hiding if he’s tired or not too. Taking a cold shower in the morning if he’s really exhausted helps him get by for a while and to the regular person, he’d look normal.)
School is another thing he puts his focus on, diligently working, pushing his grades. Before, it was an effort to please his parents, people who didn’t want him, but he’s managed to turn that into an outlet for his focus, whenever Hotsuma isn’t around.
...I want to say it’s good he hasn’t made FOOD his outlet, because he would probably be pretty fat if he did that... but anyway lmao instead he’s starving himself, because food to him is still a bit of a chore, he doesn’t enjoy the process of eating, and has trouble thinking of it as something he wants to do. As a result of this, he doesn’t really experience being hungry, because he’s too used to pushing it aside. He still does, unconcsiously. And it’s also a direct reaction, to not eat, to his own stupid thoughts of not being enough for Hotsuma’s needs. Eating is overrated when you have too many other things to think about. Like Hotsuma. And Hotsuma. And how his brain keeps saying he’s not needed. And EVERYTHING and how he can’t give Hotsuma what Hotsuma really needs. It’s like... let’s make a metaphor. He can jump in after Hotsuma if he falls into a river, and can keep him afloat, but he can’t pull him ashore. He will never be able to do that, only one person can, and it’s Yuki. Shusei knows this, but at the same time, he compares it too much with everything else he and Hotsuma has, and makes it bigger than it is. Of course, it’s a huge thing, to be able to save Hotsuma from himself, but Shusei hasn’t it in his ability to do that. He doesn’t know how to, and knows he'll not be enough, in that sense.
Then again, what Hotsuma and Shusei has is so much bigger than just the part where Yuki is the one who can help Hotsuma from that part of his guilt. Shusei just doesn’t look at it that way. He figures that as long as Hotsuma finds something or someone to ground him enough not to look at himself as a monster, Shusei doesn’t need to be there for him anymore, because Hotsuma won’t NEED him, and that is what Shusei needs. He needs Hotsuma to need him. It... is just a lot more complicated than what it sounds like sob.
THEY TALKED ABOUT THIS. They settled this, to a degree, and he's trying, trying to believe himself, trying to believe Hotsuma, because the doubt is still there, even if he knows Hotsuma wouldn't lie to him. It's more about his own feelings about that Hotsuma puts himself in danger for Shusei's sake, when he berates Shusei for doing just that himself. They still need to sort a few more things out, and hope that nothing new comes between them and messes things up more than what's necessary.
If Hotsuma disappeared from his reality, Shusei wouldn’t care to live anymore. Hotsuma is a light, but also something that puts Shusei’s mind roiling. It’s a little like a double edged sword, because Shusei will maybe never be able to express in words what he’s really feeling to Hotsuma. Shusei isn’t very good at expressing his feelings to people, and always measures what he says, carefully avoiding talking feelings when not absolutely necessary, and even then it's difficult. And Hotsuma, who is the complete opposite of that --wears his heart on his sleeve and speaks whatever comes to his mind-- doesn’t always quite catch on to what Shusei needs, what he’s trying to say without actually using his voice. Communication is a vital key that they both need to find, because they’re... well. Dumb. And tragic. “And what if I managed to tell Hotsuma my true feelings... wait no, that’ll just add to the burden”.
Evidently, Shusei thinks too much, FEELS too much, and doesn’t know how to control it in any other way than to hide it, and hide himself from it, pushing it away whenever he can, to give himself some sort of illusion of control. He's gotten better at it, even if he mostly shows his feelings and emotions to Hotsuma, because that's where they're mostly focused. But he's opened up to the other people in the Giou Family, Yuki, the Zweilts, because he's gotten more comfortable around them.
This isn’t even a third of what I really want to say, THERE IS SO MUCH MORE, but this is difficult to explain. It’s. So. Bizarre.
And now, he blames himself for going back to look at the barrier, because if they hadn’t, Hotsuma wouldn’t have attacked it, wouldn’t have stepped in front of Shusei to shield him from the fire, WOULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN BACK TO FEELING GUILTY ABOUT ALMOST BURNING SHUSEI AGAIN, and also making Shusei feel guilty and angry because Hotsuma put his life on the line without thinking and Shusei doesn’t want him to hurt himself and and... feelings. Stupid feelings.